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So there you are, after a hard night’s work of wooing and flirting, you’re about to get it on with the girl of your dreams (well, of your night anyway). The mood is set, the foreplay has begun, and you begin to disrobe when all of a sudden – you become riddled with anxiety. Yup, you’re anxious about – as most men are – measuring up. About being big enough. About your penis. But bro, you’re worrying about the absolute wrong thing. That’s something you can’t control. What you should be worried about is your underwear, for that’s something you can control, and, something women totally judge you on.
Old and Worn Out
When women voiced their biggest pet peeves, they complained most about your old, worn-out underwear regardless of the type: • ”Old ratty underwear. I don’t need to see that. Please wear your best underwear on a date. I do. Ain’t nobody wanna see your old undies.” • “When my husband wears underwear with holes in the butt.” • “Saggy” • “Worn out underwear is awful.” • “When they’re ratty like with holes.” • “Dingy looking underwear. Just because they’re still holding up doesn’t mean you need to wear them!” • “I think if I discovered him in a hole-y, stretched-out pair of yellowing white briefs, I’d rethink whatever situation we’d found ourselves in at that moment. So, I guess my biggest pet peeves are dirty, ill-fitting, and/or too revealing. It really comes down to this idea that I want my man’s underwear to be indicative of his manhood. (No pun intended.) Like, he’s a mature adult, so he knows what fits and works well with clothing and is quality, but he doesn’t give too much thought about it because he’s not high maintenance. Honestly, men who are too obsessed with underwear (men’s or women’s) are kinda creepy.” • “Holes in the ass. Throw them away for god’s sake!” • “When they go too long without buying new underwear.” • “When there are too many holes or shredding elastic” So men, boys, guys, dudes – this fix is easy. Think of your underwear like milk and know they expire. Heck, put an expiration date on the inside so you know when you change them for a new pair. Every six or so months should do.
For shame if this next one applies to you. You’re too gross to even be helped. Nonetheless, we’re here to do a good deed. Guys, for the love of god, always wear clean underwear. You never know when you’re going to get into a car accident, set on fire, pantsed in public, or any other situation where your clothes are going to unexpectedly come off. Here’s what the women have to say about it: • ”Dirty underwear” • “Dirty and smelly!” • “Not clean” • “They never wash them!” • “Grunginess.” • “Stains” • “Mystery stains, guys this should be a no brainer, but I had an ex with a recurring problem of this.”
We men spend so much time these days making sure our suits fit. Well, they should, anyway. So why neglect your underwear? So your balls can bounce around free, or, be taped up against your bum so tightly you stop producing sperm? Here’s the ladies and their complaints: • ”When boxers bunch up and stick out the back of their pants.” • “When the waist band is too tight.” • “When they’re not pulled up all the way – crack showing is so unattractive.” • “Boxers that are too big.” • “Bunching seen through pants.” • “Really loose briefs.” • “When men don’t straighten out their boxers underneath their pants.” • “Baggy-as-hell boxers or when the crotch area is emphasized to be super bulge-y.” • “Super loose.” • “Hard to take off when laying down.” • “Baggy, stretch-less boxers.” • “Wedgies, mostly.” • “Boxers that bunch up over waistbands • “Wearing boxers with tight pants.”
Too Many Colors / Prints
This last one’s not the end of the world. Well, for some women anyway. But if you like to use your underwear as an artistic pallet to show off your colorful side, then at least heed some of the ladies advice: • ”Garish colors.” • “Bright colors.” • “Logos on the band” • “Multi-colored underwear.” • “Joke-y patterns.” • “Cartoon or action figure print.” • “Too big, too many logos.” • “Bad designs.” • “Silky or patterned” • “Boxer waistbands showing over the pants. Either you’re stuck in 2007 or you want to show off that you buy Gucci for your ass which is pretentious and really just says “hey ladies I’m materialistic and a spendthrift.”
So what have we learned men? Your panties need to be new(ish), clean, fit you well, and not look like you’re walking around with some jungle animal’s package. So you can all stop worrying about what’s in your underwear, and start considering what you’re wrapping it with. You need to think of your underwear a meal at a 5-star restaurant. Sure, the portion size may be small, but man, you’ve got to make it look appetizing.